A Short Story in Progress
by Mike Black
Once upon a time there was a young man named Dodo who cleaned houses for a living.
Dodo was Jewish and made a lot of anti-Semitic jokes among others. When later interviewed for a biography entitled, “Otto: The Demon Who Made Earth Hell” by ex-politician Hillary Clinton, he reflected on his job saying, “I was doing the job of an immigrant.”
Dodo was only 17, but had an intimate relationship with a single mother he met at
his last job in the milk aisle of a healthy supermarket. It was by his crude milk jokes to this mama that he met Chloë at a cocktail party, who eventually invited him (through an interesting encounter while waiting in line for the bathroom that I’ll explain
later) to join her on a trip to Xenia, Ohio, where she was the star role in her boyfriend’s low budget film.
I can’t tell you where Dodo started out in life- to say the least he wasn’t all there-
but what I can tell you is where he ended up. Chloë, her boyfriend (the director), Dodo, a man who looked significantly similar to John Cena, and a very cute girl by the name of Emma began their drive to Xenia but had to stop off in Las Vegas in the meantime.
It just so happens the Cena look alike knew about this stopping in sin city beforehand, and had an unhealthy obsession with a short novel by Hunter S. Thompson. Now Dodo may have been a naive American, but he wasn’t stupid. Emma’s twin sister later told me
of a letter Emma wrote to her just before she died. In it, Emma describes that day they all drove to Las Vegas. She said she heard only one sentence during this drive. Chloë’s boyfriend kept playing extremely loud Armenian Death Metal, and the transition between
tracks 64 and 65 allowed Emma to catch Dodo saying blankly, “You had me at absinthe.” Night fell, and you could hear the crickets cricketing a sad song in preparation for Kansas.
Well I don’t remember exactly what year that was, but it must have been the one where
the economy was bad, because there was lots of L.V.P.D. officers with nothing to do that night. Dodo ended up on top of the exterior of the Luxor screaming at a swarm of pigs, “I built these damn pyramids, I can tear em down if I wanna!” Needless to say he
wasn’t arrested. Who would want to be called a racist?
Dodo woke up grateful the next morning. He said to himself, “Thank God I’m not Black.”
Who would want to be in the wrong place at the wrong time?
Unfortunately, the John Cena look alike WAS black, and the police blamed all of Dodo’s wrongdoing on him.
As Mr. Cena was being assessed for sanity, the remaining four continued their trek spending what little winnings they had on profane shot glasses. No one seemed to notice Cena’s absence but Emma, who didn’t say anything for fear of causing a delay. She was
only along for the ride to get dropped off at her girlfriend’s house in Illinois. Not even she remembered why Cena had gone with them.
They drove for a few days, stopping in at motels in between, and picked up a hitchhiker
somewhere in Colorado who was stoned out of his mind. He needed to get dropped off in Kansas and kept babbling about some sort of school reading. He somehow broke the radio and the Armenian Death Metal was no more.
Well, the president of the United States at the time was on the same freeway, driving
angrily as he had read some poems from a Shell Silverstein collection to a kindergarten class earlier that day before the intoxicated teacher left the school because he “was bored.” It just so happened that he was driving right behind Chloë’s boyfriend’s car.
Chloë at the time was smoking a cigarette, but due to all of the coffee she had had
that morning she felt like taking a shit. So she said, “I’m going to flick this cigarette out the window right now because I feel like taking a shit.” Emma, the only one with any sense in the group, advised against it. “I have a bad feeling about littering,”
she said. But Chloë littered anyway, and the wind carried her half finished cigarette to hit the windshield of the president’s Toyota Camry, to which he responded, “Oh fuck,” and swerved, scared for his life. This was all, of course, happening in stop and
go traffic, so the president tapped the side of a Ferrari to his right side.
The two drivers, Mr. President and a man from Sudan, held up the traffic even more
as they stopped their cars in the middle of the freeway to exchange insurance information. The president was in an even worse mood now, especially since the man from Sudan had a nicer car than him. “This is all your fault,” cried the president (he WAS actually
crying now), and he asked the man where he was from. “Sudan,” said the man, but the president heard, “Iran.” So the president waged war on Iran.
To confuse the Iranians in case of bombing, the United States reissued every map of
theirs with three significant changes: 1) California was split into two, “Norcal” and “Socal” thus adding a new star to the flag, 2) the entire state of Hawaii was eradicated and instead Japan was now apart of the U.S., and 3) the state of Montana now said
“Ohio” and the state of Ohio now said “Montana.”
Well, Cena needed his friend to bail him out of jail in Las Vegas, and in order to
pay for it, Cena’s friend, Franck, had to reclaim a house that used to be his mother’s on Mara Vista St. in Montana. Now Franck wasn’t all that bright, and lost his trusty pocket map of the states, so he had to buy a new one at a convenience store. Franck
lived in Michigan at the time and when he looked for Montana on his new and shiny map he said aloud, “Things sure ain’t far as they used to be.” He grabbed his grandfather’s knife from WWII (the one with the Buddhist symbol on it) and he was off.
It just so happens that there is only one Mara Vista St. in the entire state of Ohio,
and it’s located in the city of Xenia.
Some time after in Xenia…
Four siblings inhabited a pretty rundown house with the address 665 1/2 Mara Vista
St. Xenia, OH 90210. “Outkast” blared through the bedroom nearest the kitchen on the first floor. The four siblings were as follows (from oldest to youngest): Rachel, Johnson, Sophie, and Lucas. Don’t let the first two names full you- Rachel was a 24 year
old man and Johnson was a 21 year old woman with down syndrome. Sophie and Lucas were twins; a boy and a girl who broke windows of the houses abandoned after a great tornado that stripped the meth town of all things good. Lucas was born two minutes after Sophie,
but as Sophie was born at 11:59 on September 30, the twins were technically born in two different months. Their parents had died in a boating accident in the Salton Sea when the twins were 8, and since then things had been pretty twisted in their family. With
no remaining family members, Rachel had become the head of the house, and with a drug problem and the desperate need to make rent, he prostituted Johnson without her full understanding while the twins were overall neglected. The twins turned all of their attention
outside of tormenting the distant neighbors to their one and only friend, Otto, the German Shepherd.
A frequent at “The Rachel House” for Johnson was a young man from Aberdeen, Washington,
named Kurt. Though he never met Dodo, he was present at the cocktail party where Chloë invited Dodo on the Ohio Adventure (again we’ll get to that later), and the last time he ever visited The Rachel House was the very day that Franck came to unrightfully
reclaim his mother’s house. Much later Kurt committed suicide after rising to stardom as a frontman of a popular band, but not without leaving his mark on this planet.
After a long, confusing, and angry conversation between Rachel and Franck about Franck’s
ideas about reclamation of the house, both parties left pretty pissed off, and on the way out Franck took out his grandfather’s knife and struck the blade through Otto’s skull. The poor dog yelped and fell over in shock and died. Franck left “Montana” and
started back home where he would plot a new way to get the house back and release Cena. Rachel sat back down and thought to himself, “Well, that was stupid.” Crickets echoed their song through seven states that night.
At this point in time Dodo, Chloe, her boyfriend, and Emma were dropping off the hitchhiker
at a gas station in Kansas. He waited awkwardly in the middle of the street while Dodo and Chloe went inside the store to grab snacks, Chloe’s boyfriend went around back to take a leak, and Emma pumped gas into the car. Something about the way the crickets
sounded drove the hitchhiker to snap, and spun around in the streets to classical music only he could hear. He ran to Emma and tackled her to the ground. Gas doused the car and Emma all in her face and eyes and nose. The hitchhiker lit a match to Emma’s shoulder
and the gas station grew a bit brighter. Before Emma left our Earth she began writing a letter to her twin sister, on fire. The paper burned up though and her sister never received it. Emma had stronger will than the hitchhiker, so she died a full 20 seconds
later than he did. She never got to see her girlfriend in Illinois. Her girlfriend was going to propose to Emma the second she arrived. Emma’s last words were, “I knew it would be too hot for a sweater.”
Grateful for a distraction, the masked robber slid easily through the store doors
and held the cashier at gunpoint. He said, “Put the money in the bag,” and the cashier started putting the money in the bag. Dodo learned an important lesson that night: being a coward is more beneficial than being a hero. Chloe charged at the robber and he
shot her through the head. Dodo fled, and behind him he left Chloe’s boyfriend still in the bathroom stall, scared shitless.
Four states away, some time since then…
The twins had been so devastated by the death of their dog that they had resulted in trying to bring him back with satanic alchemy. They played Armenian Death Metal
and found the blood of the innocent and all that other jazz you need to resurrect things from the dead. They put it all together in their basement and danced around a pentagram and such and BOOM! Something began precipitating from the floor. A little, green
bodied, red armed and red headed (not hair but actually skin) baby formed from flames of Satan himself…
Rachel had finally gotten Johnson to go back to sleep. He had noticed Johnson’s new
habit of waking up early with sickness and had better prepared himself for this morning. Rachel heard a knock on the door and opened it to find a battered looking young man who could barely speak. He looked up at Rachel and asked, “Can I clean your house for
The twins examined the thing in the basement. An inhumanly large, everlastingly lit cigarette lay next to him. He had no hair on his body, he had a very tiny penis,
and his eyes were ridiculously big with black irises and black pupils. Sophie picked it up in her arms, leaving the cigarette on the ground, and Lucas patted the thing’s head. “I missed you,” said Lucas.
“Me too,” said Sophie. “It’s good to have you back, Otto.”
I often find myself feeling bad for fat people. I feel bad for fat people eating junk food, and I feel bad for fat people eating healthy food. I feel bad
for fat people exercising and I feel bad for fat people sitting on their ass. The chances that it’s not the fat person’s fault for being fat may or may not be slim, yet I still feel bad for fat people.
Why do I feel bad for fat people?
Why does my brain hate me?
I’m most certainly insane. Unfortunately, I’m a high functioning insane person. When someone is low functioningly insane, they submit to their brain and have
odd characteristics and do odd things all of the time that let a sane person know they are most definitely insane. But when you’re good at hiding it, like me, you REALIZE you’re insane, so people don’t give you the excuse of being insane. They just assume
you’re being an idiot about something and you find yourself in a lot of terrible situations considering you acted insanely, and you have the conscious knowledge that you were acting insane. I don’t know if I’d rather be a high functioning or low functioning
insane person, but I know that I wouldn’t want to be sane. And I put this critical attribute into the mind of the most underwhelmingly beautiful character of this story: Claire.
Claire was born in secret- not even I could think of a place to have her born as secretly as she was- and she was begot (as the bestselling book of all time
would say) from Johnson and Kurt. I’ll have you know that the absurd amount of random characters in this short story now mellow out into two spotlights on the stage: one for Otto and one for Claire. The only physical qualities you need to know about Claire
is that she had dark brown almost black hair and freckles and she was pretty. Feel free to let your mind relate whoever you like to Claire, and use this person to fill in the rest of the details (believe me, I’m not picky). Just make sure you know that Claire
was the love of Otto’s life, and make sure you take whatever FEELING you get from love with who or whatever and assign it to the connection between our two characters so that you can care about them as much as I do. Take as long as you need.
(Insert a few blank pages)
If there’s any way to be a better person in this world, it’s to realize when and when not to worry, and if you dig a bit deeper, it’s to realize when and
when not to mention what’s worrying you. Every day spent living involves something that will make your mind stress. It’s the weight that you put to this stress that affects how you are perceived beyond the inside of your head. That being said, someone’s thoughts
on you are not to be stressed about. What you have done to make that person feel that way just might be. Unfortunately, we as human beings or demons assign our own weight to the thoughts of other people. Someone you don’t know can fuck off, but your mother,
right or wrong, can make you reassess your life with a single comment. It was Otto’s mother, sort of, Sophia, who made him spend a whole day thinking of what was right or wrong for him to do in this life. See, Sophia didn’t understand that Otto was different.
After she grew an acceptance that he was indeed not a dog, she never accepted the fact that he was a demon, and not a human being. This gave Otto thoughts he could not understand at his young age, considering he was a demon doing people things. Otto often
had trouble understanding his own love for his mother, as his true mother was a fallen angel long since forgotten, and he had gotten around just find thinking of Sophia as a figurehead, until he realized his true connection with her, which made things all
the bit worse.
So Otto went out for a walk that day, thinking all sorts of thoughts about life that would make a demon not want to live. His walk carried him all over Xenia
and he kept his mind busy thinking about lots of things, like the funny people the town’s residents called, “aliens.” “They’re taking our jobs!” they would say. “They talk shit on America so much and yet they almost got their ass snapped by alligators to get
here!” Otto didn’t understand these comments. “They don’t look green to me,” he thought and he left it at that. But the amount of passion he saw in these aliens is what kept his mind on the subject. They got spit at and made fun of, people paid them less for
doing the same job, and there they were, working as hard as ever. For their pride. For their families.
As day crawled behind the mountains and left its black sweatshirt behind, Otto came
across The Lagoon. It was an interesting little body of water. It had no connection to any other bodies of water so it smelled bad. Its surface reflected the dusty streetlights surrounding it, and the trees danced around it and spat all sorts of faces of
light or the absence of it for Otto’s retina’s to catch and misconstrue. He sat alone and the street was quiet. He felt peaceful. He lit a cigarette and and kept an eye on the water for a ripple. I don’t know how long he had been there before he fell asleep,
but I can tell you what happened in between the time Otto opens his eyes and the time he’d closed them last.
An extraordinarily large bell floated in the sky above Otto; a hovering, massive brass
bell with a swastika on its front and a few blue lights shining from here and there from somewhere within it. A bright beam of this blue light exited from the bottom of the bell and split into two translucent arms with nine fingers each and they picked Otto
up and cradled him for a bit, just to be sure he was sleeping. Then they retreated upward, taking Otto with them and then Otto was inside a ship of what he’d call, Green People.
But I assure you, these people were not green. With whitish hair, deep, black eyes,
and pink and purpilish cotton candy like skin, these people were on the boundary of incomprehensible human understanding of beauty in their figure, and it is not certain which was male and female, if there was such things in such a progressed people. Their
only flaw was that they had names that were really hard to pronounce.
And that’s the first time he saw her. Awake now inside of one of the chambers of
that great bell was a giant mouth and nose connected to an even gianter glass orb. The cheeks and nose a delicate purple and the lips bright tangerine and in the glass orb a pink liquid, the perfect amount for a bath. It was the head of the alien’s creator.
The single most important alien that was the brains of the ship and all of its pilots. Otto approached it and its vast sea of metal tubes and flashing buttons, and in the pink liquid was a naked woman smoking a cigarette: Claire, grown and stunning. She winked
at Otto and asked if he’d care to join.
Now I know what you’re thinking, just how did Claire get there?
Well, when Claire was much younger, Johnson complained that during feeding Claire bit far too hard, and as a toddler she would bite other children until they would
bleed. Rachel took Claire to his friend, a witch doctor, who diagnosed Claire as a genuine vampire. Well Claire couldn’t go around feeding on the innocent souls of Ohio, so Rachel forced her to eat people food. As I’m sure you’re aware, people food to a vampire
tastes like shit, to the point where Claire would rather starve to death than eat it.
So Rachel called up his friend, a biologist, to put an end to her anorexia. This bio buddy took the bacteria
in termites, according to Wikipedia this is Spirochetes, that break down wood into glucose into Claire’s belly when she was 17. Since then she’s been a wood eating vampire, and the alien head thing has a mission to experiment on the two most intriguing species
on Earth. Thus he picked up its only demon inhabitant (or so was thought at the time) Otto, and its only wood vampire, Claire, who was now in front of Otto for the first time in his life. he figured he’d never forget this moment, as he climbed into the orb
with her, looked her in her big eyes and said, “what kind of music do you listen to?”
To Be continued…